They still celebrate Christmas in 2185
by 570K4
Summary: A very fluffy Christmas on the Normandy. Mid ME-2 Rated M for a little smut, bad language, suggestive themes, and having Jack in it. Some pairing, Garrus/Fem!Shep, Jack/Kelly and whatnot. Has appearances by most of the crew. It's my first fanfic, more chapters will follow, let my know how it is.
1. Chapter 1

"My God, Garrus, it's huge." Shepard gasped, her eyes widening.

"Well, as I learned in my time among humans, size does matter." Garrus replied in his usual deep sexy voice. "But it doesn't hurt that I'm pretty good at using it too."

"You could read one of Udina's diplomatic briefings and make it sound sexy." Shepard said, brushing an errant strand of her shoulder length red hair behind her ear.

Garrus chuckled. "Well here I thought you just had a thing for scars. And handsome snipers, vigilantes, ex C-Sec operatives, and guys with big-"

"I'm not sure that's going to fit." She interrupted.

"Oh, it's going to fit, one way or the other. I think..." He grunted slightly in effort. "Hold on a minute."

"Maybe it would be easier if you used more of a twisting motion instead of just trying to ram it in."

"Well, it's possible, I suppose you have done this more often than me."

"What, no, I just heard about this from Joker yesterday."

"Commander! This is hardly an appropriate activity to conduct in the armory, not to mention that you are both on duty." Dr Mordis Solus stated indignantly as he strode through the door from the lab.

"Oh Shit!" Shepard exclaimed, jumping a little. "Mordin, come on, we're in the middle of something here."

"Yes, overheard problem, would not have come to you without a solution. Recommend you use a lubricant. WD-40 perhaps, no, would be toxic if ingested, which is your next logical activity, need something edible, yet oily, butter a possible choice, but given Garrus's dextro genetics, could cause an allergic reaction, wait, could use an inorganic, non toxic medical oil, have some in the lab if you want me to get it?"

Garrus sighed and set the marshmallow gun down, pulling the ragged remains of an oversized marshmallow out of the barrel. "Nevermind Mordin," he said, handing the marshmallow to Shepard who popped into her mouth, leaning back against the table with an expression of bliss. "I'll just use the smaller ones."

"I cannot claim to understand the purpose of this device, surely it would be more efficient to just pick them up and eat them. Must be an alternate purpose, feeding dangerous animals perhaps?" Mordin said as Garrus loanded a smaller marshmallow into his newly constructed Widow MK2 Ultimate long Range High Velocity Marshmallow Delivery System.

Garrus pointed the rifle at Mordin and pulled the trigger, and a 1 inch white cylinder of spongy candy bounced off his chest with a loud thump. Shepard collapsed onto the floor of the armory, giggling uncontrollably.

"Ah, I see." Mordin proclaimed. "An immature toy designed to waste time and detract mental function from mission critical tasks. I should have arrived at this conclusion sooner given that the two of you are involved. I should be happy, while this is still not a productive behavior, it better than trying to engage in copulation in the elevator."

Garrus and Shepard exchanged an uncomfortable glance.

"We didn't just try to copulate in the elevator, we succeeded." Shepard said, grinning widely, as Garrus proved that Turians can in fact blush.

"Yes, I am aware." Mordin stated. "As a result, I have begun listening for unusual noises before entering the elevator."

"So, anyway, how's the tree coming." Garrus asked hurriedly.

"Accelerated growth hormones and concentrated nutrients have been successful. Tree should be full size by tonight. Pine is a relatively easy species to clone, much easier than Krogan. Still, glad you came to me." Mordin said, a smile briefly touching the corners of his mouth. "Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

Shepard groaned loudly at his signature line and Garrus shot him with another marshmallow.


	2. Chapter 2

Unfortunately, due to the busy schedule of assembling a team to fight the Collectors, the Normandy SR-2 was unable to dock at a station for Christmas. However, celebrations were taking place regardless, much to Jack's annoyance.

"What the sweet loving Fuck is going on with this ship?" She asked, as the elevator doors opened to reveal Kelly Chambers, Tali, and Grunt stringing brightly colored banners, streamers, and mistletoe throughout the mess hall. Joker sat at the table in the back mixing up a batch of eggnog.

"We're celebrating Christmas," Grunt said, looming menacingly over the scantily clad tattooed convict. "It's an ancient Krogan tradition to honor the glorious battles of the ancestors by stringing up a bunch of brightly colored bullshit all over the place and singing songs. I don't pretend to understand it, but despite the fact that I am the only Krogan on the ship, the rest of the crew has gone out of their way to make sure the rituals are performed properly. So If I hear you say one word about-."

"Uh Grunt," Joker said hesitantly, as Kelly and Tali made panicked 'shut up' gestures at him. "Christmas is an ancient human tradition."

Grunt turned to Kelly and Tali angrily.

"Well you see Grunt, the thing is," Tali started nervously, her visor fogging up a little.

"We needed someone tall to string the banners." Kelly finished.

"I still get presents later right?" Grunt asked.

"Of course, everyone gets presents." Kelly said cheerfully, "In fact I'm just about to go wrap mine."

"Well then, fine, I'll finish stringing up your stupid human sex plants. Just don't tell Wrex about this."

"Sex plants, what the dick-tits kind of holiday is this?" Jack said stepping over to examine the mistletoe more closely, just as Kelly started away to wrap presents. The two women collided and stopped. Everyone but Jack froze and stared at the leafy green plant hanging from the ceiling.

"Oh hell yeah!" Joker exclaimed, leaning back from his work of mixing the eggnog. "You know I had a dream about this the other night."

"The fuck is going on?" Jack asked Kelly, who was blushing furiously, but still looked quite pleased.

"You have to kiss." Tali said, "It's tradition." She adjusted her hood nervously. Keelah this is awkward. She thought to herself. Are we all supposed to watch, Joker's watching, but he wouldn't miss this for anything.

"Well," Joker said smugly, "don't let me hold you guys up."

"Fuck you twig bones," Jack said exasperatedly, beginning to blush a bit herself "This sounds like a bunch of bullshit."

EDI chose this moment to chime in from the overhead speakers. "Actually that assessment is incorrect, mistletoe is a valid tradition dating back to the-"

"Shut up EDI." Joker said, "I want to be able to remember this moment perfectly later."

Jack sighed, grabbed Kelly by the shoulders, leaned in, and planted a quick kiss on her lips before she could respond. "There, you wierdos happy, can I get a protein bar now." She said, as Kelly stepped back, looking slightly dissapointed.

"No Jack," Tali said, leaning back against the wall. "You have to do it nicely."

"Fucking kidding me." Jack sighed, stepping back towards Kelly, who hesitantly slipped her hands around Jack's waist and pulled their bodies together. Kelly gently kissed Jack, who responded by deepening the kiss and snaking her hand down to cup Kelly's right buttock. Kelly jumped a little, but swayed her hips forward to grind her crotch on Jack's leg.

A few seconds later they broke off, both breathing a little harder than normal and looking flustered. Jack suddenly wished she was wearing more clothes. Joker smiled broadly.

"There, was that good enough you fucking dicks." Jack demanded, her voice a little higher than normal. Kelly quietly left towards the crew quarters.

"Actually, there is no set standard for the type or quality of kiss to be rendered upon meeting someone under mistletoe." EDI stated factually.

Jack blushed a little harder, and Kelly was entranced by the way her reddening skin contrasted her tattoos.

"Nobody say shit about this to anybody. Joker, please tell me that contains liquor." Jack said, pointing to the eggnog.

"Yeah, goodish amount of rum, splash of ryncol, garnished with nutmeg." he said, pouring her a glass

"Good." She took a long swallow and sat down next to Joker. "So please tell me there isn't some weird tradition that I have to toss a salad now because I drank your stupid liquor milk."

"Nothing so intimate." EDI said helpfully. "Drinking eggnog offered by another is only a binding human contract of marriage."

Jack coughed and sprayed a large amount of eggnog across the table and shot to her feet, knocking her chair over.

"That was a joke."


	3. Chapter 3

Samara and Thane sat cross legged in the observation lounge, facing the window.

"Thank you for inviting me here to meditate." Thane said, shifting a little. "While I usually prefer the climate of the life support center, the view here is immeasurably better."

"Yes, the stars are a beautiful sight," Samara answered in her usual dignified and quiet voice. "They remind us that our lives are fleeting and insignificant compared to the glorious eternity of the afterlife."

"While I cannot disagree, I was not talking about the stars." Thane replied evenly, his eyes closed.

Samara blinked, and against her will, the faintest hint of a smile crossed her lips. "You are an assassin, who ends the lives of sentient beings in exchange for money. Were we not bound to Shepard's service, I would kill you."

"You would try to kill me." Thane said. "Regardless, even by your code, most of the people I have killed were deserving of death."

Samara turned her head sharply to face him. "Leave my code out of this." she said coldly.

"Then do not insult my profession." The Drell assassin said, unfazed. "I believe it is rude to repay a compliment with a threat of death."

The tension broke when the door slid quietly open to reveal Legion, who stepped slowly into the room. His headlamp brightened and dimmed a little as it looked between Samara and Thane. "Greetings." It offered in it's slightly scratchy synthesized voice. "Shepard has suggested that this unit spend more time socializing with organics."

There was a long silence as Thane and Samara gazed out into the stars silently.

"We attempted to engage in conversation with commander Vakarian, who responded with unprovoked violence. We were hoping that another organic could clarify this action."

More silence.

"Before we had even spoken, he turned and fired a .0125 kilogram cylinder of fluffed sugar at my head. His choice of projectile is illogical, as a tungsten tipped mass slug would have been far more efficient in terminating this platform."

Legion stared at Samara, then Thane, then the observation window, its flaps contracting a little as he processed the available data.

"Are you watching the transparent portion of the hull for leaks?" Legion asked. "We have spoken with Shepard commander regarding the structural inefficiency of transparent materials in starship design. It is logical for organics to keep a close watch on those portions of the hull, as your organic platforms would be terminated after approximately forty five seconds of exposure to a hard vacuum."

Legion stepped closer to the window and scanned it with its omni tool.

"Despite the danger posed by negligent construction practices, this manual observation module is not damaged."

"Legion," Samara stated calmly, "We are meditating"

Legion paused. "We have encountered data on this practice during our research on the extranet. A search of Extrapedia provided that meditation is a practice in which an individual organic platform or groups or individual organic platforms train their cognitive systems to induce a higher phase of consciousness or for varied other benefits."

"Legion." Thane started

"The term meditation can carry different definitions in different contexts, but is usually an attempt by organic beings to regulate the mind and order organic processes. Similar to the Geth Consensus, but less efficient."

"Legion, we are trying to-" Thane tried again.

"Fortunately, EDI has shared most of the Cerberus database with me." Legion continued. "I believe that it would be possible for organics to join a Geth like state of consensus. If you would like, I could seek out Dr. Archer, who according to my records is working on a-"

"Shepard to all crew." Came the voice from the intercom. "Since EDI can manage the entire ship and calculate PI to a couple million digits at the same time, we don't actually need any of you to do anything." A short pause. "Look, not that its not nice to have you guys around, I'm just saying that with AI, its not really necessary to, fuck nevermind" A sigh. "So anyway, all duty assignments are relieved until tomorrow, feel free to join operation 'don't be alone and miserable on Christmas' in the cargo bay. Ow, fuck you Garrus, shoot me one more time and that marshmallow gun is going right up your ass."

"This platform will now travel to the cargo bay to lend Shepard commander its assistance." Legion stated, turning to leave. "This conversation has been informative."

The door swished shut behind him, leaving Thane and Samara in silence.

"Meditating can be challenging at times aboard this ship." Samara said, tiredly stretching her shoulders.

"Yes, I agree." Thane replied. "I usually like to meditate after missions, but Shepard insists on having an idle chat every time."

"Yes," Samara said, "She does that to me too."

"Although now with most of the crew in the cargo bay, our chances of being interrupted in our activities have exponentially reduced for the rest of the night." Thane said calmly.

"We should take advantage of this opportunity to meditate uninterrupted." Samara said, straightening her posture and closing her eyes.

"I was not referring to meditation." Thane said quietly, with a mischievous grin.

Samara opened one eye and gave the Drell an appraising look. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"EDI" she said evenly.

"Yes Justicar Samara." EDI answered from the intercom.

"Cease any monitoring of the starboard observation lounge and lock the door."


	4. Chapter 4

"Is it me, or does this elevator smell like sex?" Jack asked as she, Joker, Mordin, Kelly and Legion rode the elevator down to the cargo bay.

"Fascinating, most humans would be unable to detect the unique scent caused by Human-Turian intercourse." Mordin said. "Would you mind coming by the lab later, there are a few tests I could run to-"

"Fuck no."

"Your response is unclear. While your literal words state that no, you would not mind coming by the lab, your tone of voice and secondary emotional tells indicate hostility and negativity. In addition, your pupil dilation, and loss of fine motor skills indicates about a .06 blood alcohol content which may impair your decision making abilities."

"She probably won't be there Mordin." Kelly said, trying to conceal a grin. "I'm giving her a counseling session later. It's mandatory, very serious stuff."

Joker let out a relieved sigh as the elevator doors opened to reveal the cargo bay, festooned with Christmas lights, streamers, a disco ball, and to top it all off, a 9 foot tall Christmas tree.

"Damn, Mordin, nice tree." Joker exclaimed. "Was that thing seriously test tube sized this morning."

"Yes, growth of tree seems adequate, relatively easy to do with modern cloning techniques. doing it in twelve hours was trickier. Had to make some modifications to the genetic code, then provide constant stream of high density proteins, minerals, water, and various hydrocarbons. Engineer Ken was kind enough to route the necessary hoses and tubes from the lab to ensure uninterrupted stream of nutrients. After that, growth was exponential. Tree will continue growing at it's current rate until source of nutrients is interrupted."

Joker looked at the mass of cables and hoses spliced into the base of the trunk. "Yeah, cool doc, let's get some eggnog. I need a drink after listening to that."

"That course of action seems impractical as alcohol decreases high level cognitive function. However, if you are interested in cloning and recombination gene therapy, I have another story that may interest you."

Meanwhile, Shepard, Garrus, Miranda, and Tali decorated the tree.

"You know," Shepard said, dangling 9 feet above the floor as Miranda levitated her with biotics. "We should have decorated it a few hours ago when it was only 3 feet tall, then it would have grown into the decorations."

"We could have, but I like this way better." Garrus said, sipping a dextro beer. "It adds to the spirit of the thing."

"That's probably cause you're at ground level drinking beer and staring at my ass, instead of dangling in mid air, wrapping a genetically engineered pine tree in lights." Shepard retorted hotly. "All right Tali, hit the lights."

Tali sorted through the mess of cables and found the one with the correct switch. The tree lit up in a full spectrum eyesore of various lights.

"Excellent." Shepard said happily. "Let me down Miranda."

"You know I've never celebrated Christmas before." Miranda said when Shepard reached ground level. "I always thought it would be-"

"Yeah yeah, daddy issues, whatever." Shepard said dismissively. "Come on guys, lets party."

"I changed my mind." Grunt said, watching Bruce Willis dispatch endless waves of thugs. "Human holidays are the best."

The crew sat on the floor of the cargo bay, watching a holo-projection of Die Hard. The had started A Christmas Carol, but Mordin gave a long lecture on why ghosts have been scientifically disproved, and Grunt started getting bored. There was a quick vote which established that no one was a. drunk enough to listen to Mordin talk about existentialism, and b. willing to be stuck in a cargo bay with Grunt when he decided to find other ways to amuse himself.

"Want to slip up to your cabin for a bit?" Garrus said in his irresistible voice, nuzzling Shepard's ear with his left mandible.

Shepard leaned back into his chest a little. "Why Garrus, all these explosions making you horny?"

"Well we wouldn't be the first. Jacob and Miranda slipped out a few minutes ago, and I've got fifty credits that Kelly and Jack end up in the shuttle before the night is over."

"Hey!" Jack shouted from where she and Kelly sat, about a dozen feet away. "Why don't you go screw in an elevator you spiky bastard. Oh wait, that's right. Maybe the conference room then."

"Already did that." Shepard said cheerfully. "We're just biding our time before we hit the med-bay."

"Commander, really." Dr. Chakwas scolded. "I have to work there."

With the movie over, the crew happily exchanged presents. Much to the crew's amusement, Garrus received a seven zetabyte hard drive from Joker, containing every pornographic film, ever produced by any species, a bright pink targeting visor from Shepard, and The Quarian Guide To Sucessful Calibration from Tali.

Jack got an omni tool thesaurus application from Mordin, and a sports bra from Miranda. ("What the fuck, that cheerleader has never worn a bra in her life.")

Legion got a box set of all the Terminator films from Kelly.

Garrus wanted to give Thane the "second best sniper in the universe" trophy he had made, but Thane remained mysteriously absent.

Joker got a small satchel containing ten inflatable medical casts from Mordin. ("Hey, not funny man.") And also a digital copy of the platinum collector's edition of 2001 A Space Oddesy from EDI ("Oh shit, you've seen that movie, I'm putting in for a transfer." "I can't let you do that Jeff.")

Grunt was overjoyed when he unwrapped his fully functional black powder, miniature field cannon from Shepard.

The crew tore into their presents, EDI played Christmas carols over the intercom, and the liquor flowed freely. Shepard was dancing in front of the Christmas tree, despite the groans of the others. Dr. Chakwas cracked open a bottle of brandy. ("Either I've had too much Serrice Ice Brandy, or that tree is taller than it was an hour ago") Tali was chatting with Mordin about immunodeficiency syndrome. Legion was discussing the experimental plans for the new Javelin sniper rifle. For one brief moment, no one worried about Reapers, or Collectors, or Cerberus. The crew of the Normandy SR-2 was happy in each other's company. Then Grunt fired a 2 pound lead ball out of a miniaturized black powder field cannon into a stack of crates.

The blast was deafening. Everyone but Legion dropped to the floor for cover. Shepard stood up drunkenly, massaging her ears. Eventually, the ringing faded enough that she could hear the shouted expletives and cursing of the rest of the crew.

"What in the ever loving shit fuck just happened?" Jack shouted as she and Kelly stepped out of the shuttle, rearranging their clothing.

Garrus worked his way to his feet and took a minute to balance himself. He slowly looked around at the others, before resting his gaze on a very sheepish looking Grunt. "You see people, that's what happens when you don't calibrate."


	5. Chapter 5

Six hours later, Shepard's cabin

The room is dark, except for a dim light in the empty fish tank. Shepard and Garrus are fast asleep in a tangle of clothes and blankets.

Then Shepard's omni tool pings.

"Mhmfm."

It pings again, and Shepard forces her eyes open to answer the call.

"This better be really important, I'm hungover as all fuck." Shepard said angrily.

Garrus grunted and rolled over. He could faintly hear Mordin's voice, but couldn't make out the specifics.

"Hold on, slow down. What the hell are you on about?" Shepard asked.

"What do you mean you forgot to turn the tree off. It's not like some Christmas lights are going to drain the ship's power."

"Exponential growth, super nutrients, what the fuck, how much eggnog did you have? Just shut up and let me sleep."

"What do you mean consume the cargo bay? Yeah there's probably a mess, we'll clean it up in the morning, just shut up and let me sleep."

She switched her omni tool off and dropped back into bed.

"What was all that about?" Garrus asked sleepily.

Shepard sighed. "He must have tested some new Krogan caffeine on himself or something, he's making no sense. Talking a bunch of bullshit about giant pine trees and cloning disasters and super nutrients and something horrible about the cargo bay and I'll figure out in the morning. goodnight."

She sleepily pecked Garrus on the mandible and rolled over.

Garrus lay back and looked at the ceiling perplexed. He rubbed his fringe absently and wished his headache would go away. Giant pine trees? Cloning disasters? Some important fact danced in front of his mind before slipping away. He was sure they would all have a good laugh in the morning at whatever Mordin was panicking about.

It had been a good night, he mused. He wished Turians celebrated more holidays like that. His family in particular could have used some more happiness growing up. He sighed. It was nice to see Shepard so happy about something. Somehow in deep space they had managed to pull together one hell of a party. He smiled at the thought of Shepard stringing the lights on the giant prickly tree. He had thought it would be stupid at first, but in the end, Mordin's genetically engineered tree really pulled the whole thing together on such short notice.

Genetically engineered tree. Why did that phrase ring a warning bell? Slowly, the pieces fell together. Exponential growth, super nutrients. Something horrible in the cargo bay. Direct feed line from the med lab. Giant pine tree. His eyes snapped open, and he sat up straight.

Oh shit.  
Shit  
Shit  
Fuck  
Shit

He scrambled to his feet, stumbled around the bed and started shaking Shepard.

"Mmh whafuck Garrus, lemmelone." She mumbled, trying to bury her face in her pillow.

"Shepard wake up." Garrus said in a low, panicked voice.

Her eyes opened and concern shot across her face. "Garrus, what is it, what's wrong?"

"The Christmas tree, Mordin's cloning experiment, we never disconnected it." He let out in a mortified whisper.

"Dammit Garrus, not you too now. Did you start smoking the same shit Mordin did?"

"No, Shepard. It grows exponentially remember. Yesterday morning it was in a test tube. By the time of the party it was nine feet tall."

"Yeah, so. We had an awesome time, we'll clean up the cargo bay in the morning. Either make some sense or shut up."

Gurrus let out a panicked whimper. "Remember at the party when you were dancing in front of the tree and it was touching the ceiling of the cargo bay and starting to double over a bit."

"Garrus." She whined.

He looked at his omni tool. "It's been growing all night. We never switched off the nutrient feed, it's been growing all night."

Slow realization dawned on her face. "Oh no."

She scrambled across the room and threw on a pair of sweatpants.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" She shouted as she sprinted out of her quarters barefoot.

Meanwhile- The Cargo bay, Kodiak Shuttle interior.

The shuttle seats have been reclined, and Jack and Kelly are laying on top of them. Kelly is wearing a small black thong and is draped across Jack, who is wearing even less. The inside of the shuttle is pitch black, as something is blocking all the windows.

Jack wakes up with a start. Fucking nightmares again. She thought. Still, it was nice to spend the night with Kelly. Still, she should get back to her hidey hole in engineering before the gossip starts. Why is it so dark, she wondered vaguely.

She gently rolled Kelly off of her, who murmurs softly and then lies still. Jack gets to her feet and rummages around in the storage compartments until she finds a flashlight. Finally she gets one and turns it on.

Getting dressed as quietly as possible, she debates on waking Kelly, then decides against it. Tiptoeing to the shuttle door, she fumbles with the controls for a second before getting the right one.

"What the fuck!" She said, blinking.

The shuttle door had slid open to reveal a densely packed mass of pine branches.

She closed her eyes, rubbed them, took a deep breath, and opened them again.

"Fuck."

Still there.

She plunged her arm into the mass of needles. She got in up to the shoulder and couldn't find an end to it. She withdrew her arm and closed the shuttle door.

She went to the cockpit and shined the flashlight out the windscreen. She was met with the same tightly packed tangle of pine branches. She spotted a sparkle on the far side, which on closer inspection turned out to be a Christmas ornament pressed up against the glass.

She sighed, muttered a few choice curse words and found her way back to Kelly. She laid down next to her, and Kelly happily rolled over and put an arm around the tattooed convict.

"Hmm, what's going on Jack?" She asked.

"We might be in here for a while." Jack said. "There's some sort of giant fucking Christmas tree outside."

Kelly took a moment to process this information. "OK, I love you Jack."

Jack blinked in the darkness and paused. "I love you too Kelly."

**The End**


End file.
